We are finally diving into the book, Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft! In today's episode we are uncovering the mystery behind an abuser's toxic behavior. If you find yourself constantly saying, "I don't understand," after your man has an explosive episode, this one may be for you! Listen in as we kick-off this book study series and learn why our partners behave the way they do. When we arm ourselves with this information, we are a step-ahead and a step further toward freedom from the cycle of abuse. No, he won't change. But you will!
Thank you so much for listening! I hope you enjoyed this podcast. If so, please leave a rating and review so we can spread the word to the women who need it the most. Below you'll find links to my website, social media, and resources for victims. If you believe you're in danger, please seek help immediately. There are people out there who want to help and who truly care. Myself included! You're worth so much more.
Also, some links in my show notes may be affiliate links. This means I earn a tiny amount of money if you buy a product I recommend. You should know, I never recommend crap.
Buy the You're Not Stuck book and start your journey today!
Please fill out this form for topic suggestions, to tell your story, or for any interview requests
Join the journey by signing up for my newsletter and getting a free, hilarious rom-com!
Follow me on TikTok
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Head on over to my website for a full list of books and laughs!
Visit my darker side for paranormal rom-com under Fritzi Cox...
We are finally diving into the book, Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft! In today's episode we are uncovering the mystery behind an abuser's toxic behavior. If you find yourself constantly saying, "I don't understand," after your man has an explosive episode, this one may be for you! Listen in as we kick-off this book study series and learn why our partners behave the way they do. When we arm ourselves with this information, we are a step-ahead and a step further toward freedom from the cycle of abuse. No, he won't change. But you will!
Thank you so much for listening! I hope you enjoyed this podcast. If so, please leave a rating and review so we can spread the word to the women who need it the most. Below you'll find links to my website, social media, and resources for victims. If you believe you're in danger, please seek help immediately. There are people out there who want to help and who truly care. Myself included! You're worth so much more.
Also, some links in my show notes may be affiliate links. This means I earn a tiny amount of money if you buy a product I recommend. You should know, I never recommend crap.
Buy the You're Not Stuck book and start your journey today!
Please fill out this form for topic suggestions, to tell your story, or for any interview requests
Join the journey by signing up for my newsletter and getting a free, hilarious rom-com!
Follow me on TikTok
Follow me on Instagram
Head on over to my website for a full list of books and laughs!
Visit my darker side for paranormal rom-com under Fritzi Cox...
It's time to wake up witches. I'm your host, cat Adams, and I'm here to remind you that, no matter where you're at in life, you're not stuck. Hello again, and welcome back to the show. I am all sorts of Frizzled today, not gonna laugh, because last week was my first week at the not at the new job, but it starts somewhere else is in my new role, and it kicked my ass. It is such a shift for me that, yeah, having a hard time Finding my rhythm, but when I find my rhythm, hopefully things will go smoother and I can get back on track because, yeah, I mean, my energy was just Not where it should be. It was, yeah, as rough. But Anyways, we're not here to talk about me today. Today we're gonna talk about is actually the first episode we're starting on the book why does he do that?
Speaker 1:Inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft, and I know you've heard me talk about this plenty of times. This is one of my favorite books to recommend. If you are Trying to understand what's going on with the jerk you're with, you know, like I've told my story before about how, when I first, I didn't know about abuse, so I was like googling why is my boyfriend mean? And then it led me down this path to understand like, oh, he's not mean, he's actually abusive and why he was doing those things. And this book Talks about that. And now I know my podcast is about empowering women, helping women grow and helping women get out of these situations by realizing that they have the power to change their situation. But it's important for women to know what's going on, the why, the how and how your mind's being twisted Into being in that situation. So that's kind of why we're talking about this book and we're gonna go Chapterish by chapterish kind of it might bleed one into the other, but I am going to kind of focus in on some key points here so you understand Exactly what's going through his mind, so you can prepare yourself for that.
Speaker 1:And a little bit of a background about the author is he works with abusive men to try to understand them, to try to help them. It's not If you're coming here to look for, oh, will he change? I mean, you just read this book, it probably not. We, you know, we say that on this podcast no, he won't change, but you will. So don't be looking for all that shit, because, yeah, I'm not gonna blow smoke up your ass, and neither is this author.
Speaker 1:So let me read to you a couple passages that stuck out at me, because one of the things when we talk about toxic men is, you know, like the the violent physical aspect, because you think of abusive relationships and that's like the first thing in your mind and from a lot of abuse situations, that's not the case. It's psychological, it's emotional, it's not all about, you know, black eyes, and it's hard to pinpoint that, it's hard to define, like how often that's happening, because we say one in three women in the US is being abused, but it's hard to define emotional and psychological abuse. It could very well be more, and it probably is in my experience, maybe yours too. So let me read this. It says during the 1990s, the legal system became much more involved than it had been in the past in responding to domestic abuse, with the result that court mandated clients started at first to trickle and then pour in the doors of our program. These men often had a much greater propensity for physical violence than our earlier clients, sometimes involving the use of weapons or vicious beatings resulting in the hospitalization of their partners. Yet we observed that in other ways that these men were generally not significantly different from our verbally abusive clients. Their attitudes and excuses tended to be the same and they used mental cruelty side by side with their physical assaults. Equally important was that the female partners of these battering men were largely describing the same distresses in their lives that we that we were hearing about from other women who had been psychologically abused, showing us that different forms of abuse have similar destructive impacts on women.
Speaker 1:And I've always tried to define exactly what I want my niche to be. And, yeah, we can talk about violence. That's horrible. I am not an expert on responding to violence okay, so if you're not in a safe situation, there's resources out there. I am not that resource, but I can talk a lot about emotional and psychological abuse, and it usually goes hand-in-hand and results in violence eventually. Even in my past abusive relationship, it did not start out with violence. Was there violence? Yes, but it was mostly psychological and emotional abuse and the things you experience if you don't ever get a black eye and you're still being emotionally and physically abused.
Speaker 1:This author is saying you suffer the same destructive patterns and the same destructive feelings and you get stuck in the same destructive cycle as if you were being physically abused. So there's a lot to say about emotional, psychological abuse. It totally breaks your spirit to where you feel like you're stuck, and you know people always want to focus on the physical, I think, because it's more like. They think it's more impactful because you can see it, whereas emotional, psychological, financial, those things you can't. But it's just as destructive. So I like that he points that out here. And if you are, you know, one of those people stuck in a relationship and you're like, well, he's not hitting me, dude, you're suffering the same as a woman that is being hit. It is all the same. So don't think like, oh well, it's not so bad, I could have it worse, like you could have it better too, all right.
Speaker 1:So the first chapter is called the mystery, and the mystery is about this whole persona. Outside perception the abuser creates is all on purpose, like when you feel so fucking confused, that's all on purpose. So let me read to you some quotes from some women that he interviewed. One says he's two different people I feel like I'm living with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. He really doesn't mean to hurt me, he just loses control. Everyone else thinks he's great. I don't know what it is about me that sets him off. He's fine when he's sober, but when he's drunk, watch out. I feel like he's never happy with anything I do. He's scared me a few times, but he never touches the children. He's a great father. He calls me disgusting names and then an hour later he won't sex. I don't get it. He messes up my mind sometimes. The thing is he really understands me. Why does he do that?
Speaker 1:So those are all words from women describing the conflicts and their relationship. They're women trying to figure out what the fuck is going on inside their partner's head, and they have been there and done that. And maybe you can relate Hopefully not, but if you listen to this show, you probably can. And I remember I always used to say, like what did I do? I don't understand. I don't understand, what did I do. Those were like my most repeated words when I was in my toxic marriage was I don't understand. Because I didn't. I was so confused I had no idea what was going through his head to treat me a certain way when, like, I thought I had done everything right. And then when you do what they want and you think, okay, I learned my lesson last time, so I'm going to do it different this time. It's still not what they want. They're going to change the script and it's all on purpose. It's all part of the mystery.
Speaker 1:So Lani describes a few of these cases he's worked with and then he goes back to talking about the different kinds of abuses. He says we also know that physical assaults are just the beginning of the abuse that women may be subjected to. There are millions more women who have never been beaten but who live with repeated verbal assaults, humiliation, sexual coercion and other forms of psychological abuse, often accompanied by economic exploitation. The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long lasting as the wounds from punches or slaps, but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man's emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm.
Speaker 1:The differences between the verbally abusive man and the physical batter are not as great as many people believe. The behavior of either style of abuse or grows from the same roots and it is driven by the same thinking. Men in either category follow similar processes of change in overcoming their abusiveness. If they do change which unfortunately is not common. Boom fucking might drop. It is not common. There you go. This man works with abusive men and he's been doing this for decades. And look, he just fucking told you don't hive your hopes up, get out of that shit. Foul for that divorce, but you gotta be safe first. Where was I? And the categories tend to blur. Physically assaultive men are also verbally abusive to their partners. Mentally cruel and manipulative men tend to gradually drift into using physical intimidation as well. In this book you'll meet abusers on a spectrum ranging from those who never used violence to those who are terrifying. The extent of their common ground may startle you.
Speaker 1:One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don't seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. Love bombing and abusers. Friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit into anyone's image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it's unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser.
Speaker 1:The symptoms of abuse are there and the women usually see them the escalating frequency of put downs, early generosity turning more and more to selfishness, verbal explosions when he has irritated or when he doesn't get his way. Her grievances constantly turned around on her so that everything is her own fault. His growing attitude that he knows what is good for her better than she does, and, in many relationships, a mounting sense of fear or intimidation. But the woman also sees that her partner is a human being who can be caring and affectionate at times, and she loves him. She wants to figure out why he gets so upset, so that she can help him break his patterns of ups and downs. Right, I don't understand. I don't understand. What did I do? Right? She gets drawn into the complexity of complexities of his inner world, trying to uncover clues, moving pieces around in an attempt to solve an elaborate puzzle.
Speaker 1:The abuser's mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day or even from hour to hour, and that is by design. It's part of this mystery. They are creating to fuck you up so you don't know which way is up from down. I've heard it described as the fog. You are in the fog and that is on purpose.
Speaker 1:He goes on to explain it. He says I came to realize through my experience with over 2,000 abusers that the abusive man wants to be a mystery, to get away with his behavior and to avoid having to face his problem. He needs to convince everyone around him and himself that his behavior makes no sense. He needs his partner to focus on everything except the real causes of his behavior. To see the abuser as he really is, it is necessary to strip away layer after layer of confusion, mixed messages and deception.
Speaker 1:Like anyone with a serious problem, abusers work hard to keep their true selves hidden. Part of how the abuser escapes confronting himself is by convincing you that you're the cause of his behavior or that you at least share the blame. But abuse is not a product of a bad relationship dynamic and you cannot make things better by changing your own behavior or by attempting to manage your partner better. Abuse is a problem that lies entirely within the abuser. So there you go. He said it Like. This is all on purpose.
Speaker 1:He's miss mysterious. You know, like I, and if you are in this situation, you do see the Dr Jekyll, mr High thing, I'm sure, because they can be so charismatic. Right, most of them were narcissists not all but they can be so charismatic and everyone loves them. Maybe they even like go to church and they're like, oh, it's upstanding citizen on the outside, but behind closed doors he's tearing you down. You know he's being just a complete jerk. He's breaking your spirit. He might be hitting you like it Is flip-flop, because he needs you to Be confused. He needs you to not understand him. That's whole, all part of the way he traps you into this cycle and it also makes you blame yourself because you're like what can I do better? I have to fix something. Let me change for him. And remember on this podcast, we don't do that shit. We change for us. Don't change thinking. Next time he'll react better because I'm gonna do it this way. Next time he's not gonna react better, all right, there might not even be a next time.
Speaker 1:I'm here to advise you to get the fuck out while you can't. This is not a podcast and if you're new here, you're gonna learn this. This is not a podcast where I tell you to stay. Work on your marriage. No, I am your divorce buddy, all right. I am highly encouraging of divorcing a toxic man or someone you're miserable with, and maybe this sounds harsh, but Maybe he's not that bad. But you're just, you know, a dead relationship. I'm here for you to tell you that there's life out there to be living and there are people out there who are going to show you the world. But you can't sit around feeling sorry for yourself and Expect things to change, because I won't. Especially your man. He won't change and I know that's like oh, blanket statement. But at this point look around you like I might get flat for saying this many of the cause of most problems All right, look at that. Violence rates. I think it was like 80% of men are the are the ones committing violent crimes, probably even more than that. Like it's not gonna change. It's not gonna change. You have to change for you.
Speaker 1:And that's as far as we're getting today in the book, because I just wanted to focus on the mystery, the illusion, the confusion. In the next chapter is going to be the mythology, so like those myths of why he might not, why he is acting that way. Like, well, maybe he was brought up, you know, in this situation, or maybe a girl really broke his heart and it's gonna break that shit down too. This is an amazing book. It goes step by step, into getting into their minds. And then one of the Chapters I think it's several chapters. It's been a while since I've read this. I'm reading it along with this podcast now again.
Speaker 1:But one of them breaks down like what kind of abuser he is. I think there's like four or five, there's one that's like the terrorist, and those are just downright terrifying. You know, and Maybe it's hard to believe, but this happens where they do lock you into like a closet or a room all day and give you a bucket to use For the bathroom because they don't want you to escape. This is Happening, like all over the world. Yes, right here, probably even in your city, if you know, already know I have worked on cases where it's that level of Abuse going on. But this book here is telling you that even if you're not at that level and you're being emotionally and psychologically abused, you're gonna experience the same like PTSD, trauma symptoms as the woman being locked in a closet and it's fucking awful. It all bleeds into one another. So I don't want to hear oh, at least he's not hitting me. Or don't ever tell a friend, at least he's not hitting you, because Emotional and psychological abuse is just as fucking dangerous. And I get so tired of people like setting the bar at black eyes like we don't want to do that. We're not gonna set the bar at a broken nose or a black eye or Anything that we can see, because that shit we can't see is Gonna break you down just as much. So that's all I have today.
Speaker 1:I know this episode is kind of a little bit different because it's like, oh you know, I'm getting more Not as free thinking, but more Like into the science of things, into the educational Peace and also y'all, I'm not gonna lie, I feel like shit. I feel like shit. So I am running on empty right now because my last week was so draining and I'm like I debated, even recording this podcast of I'm gonna be totally real and transparent. I was like I, I don't want to do it, I don't feel good. I've got so much stuff to do today. I've got a prep for my job tomorrow because Monday is like my biggest, my biggest day for me, because I got a lot of pressure on me Mondays now to Explain why my departments met their goal or did not meet their goal, and it's stressful for me.
Speaker 1:So yeah, just being fully transparent, not to switch gears here, but I I just I'm a little bit out of it today. So if this episode I was not as bubbly and funny as Normal, just forgive me. I promise to do better next time when I hopefully have my shit together. But I was like I'm not gonna let my listeners down and skip a Monday posting because I know I did that a couple weeks back when I was sick and I'm like I just can't, I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna get my shit together and start batch recording again. So maybe these will flow better. But not doing that today because I know when I need to Do some self-care and some self-love and remember go back to that episode like summon yourself Seance Sundays or whatever. I think that was like my second or third episode, I don't remember, but I'm doing that. I am having a seance of one and and Checking in with me today because I need it. So this is me Apologizing if this episode didn't float your boat, but at least I recorded an episode right, I Hope you stay safe.
Speaker 1:I hope you did get something out of this episode. I hope, if you're on the fence on like, should I stay, should I go? You heard it from the man himself who works with these people is very uncommon for them to change. But you're gonna hear it from me I don't. I don't think they change. So don't, don't stay, but be safe For a plan.
Speaker 1:Go back, listen, listen to previous podcast episodes where I talk about all that. Read the book. Read my book. You're not stuck. Oh my gosh, that's gonna be so helpful for you because on this podcast we again I know I say it a million times we do not focus on if he will change. We focus on. We need to change so we can get out and enjoy the other side. It is amazing and I also I talk about this all the time.
Speaker 1:There are men out there who are not like this. There are men out there who actually are equal partners and it is freaking, exhilarating y'all. I just I had a date night last night with my husband and we've been together for four years now, married for coming up on two, and we're still not immune phase. I mean, we hardly ever, ever, ever have arguments, and the other day I Found out something he was working on was like 365 things I love about you, so I could have one for every day. He's got a list going y'all like what the fuck? What kind of me and does that? You can have that.
Speaker 1:So if you are stuck with a fuddy-duddy or someone who's not gonna put in the effort, or just a plain asshole, don't do that to yourself. You can truly find a passionate, fun, loving man or woman, whatever you want, out there, or you don't. Just, you don't even have to have that. If you want to just be alone, that's okay too, because that's way better than being with a toxic partner, whether they are emotionally, physically, psychologically, financially abusive or Just a bore, a stick in the mud. I know, right, that sounds mean. Like, oh, you shouldn't say divorce, you're sticking the mud, husband, you. I mean, I am kind of saying that I was gonna say no, I'm not saying that. I am kind of saying that because I believe you are worth life. I believe you are worth finding out for yourself that the short time you have on earth can be absolutely thrilling. You can be having your best life ever If you stop wondering like should I stay or should I go?
Speaker 1:Whatever decision you make you're gonna have to live with and I'm just a living testimony of saying, hey, it is possible to go and not be. Oh, I can't survive without this person, to holy shit. I had missed out on so much already, so don't do that. I talked about that in the last episode. Like man, I had missed out on about 20 years of my life and I can't get that back. Don't be like me. Life is out there and it's waiting for you. So stay safe. That's all I have I promise next episode I will be back to bubbly self. I hope we'll see. We'll see what I have to explain tomorrow in my meetings, fingers crossed. It's not too stressful and too much pressure for me. I'm learning, I'm learning and I'm growing. But yeah, I'll see you next time and we're gonna discuss those myths on the bullshit you tell yourself on why he's treating you that way.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for listening. If you love the show, please leave a rating, a review, and if you know anyone who also might love the show or who could benefit from this information, please be sure to share it and subscribe. The more we get this out to people, the more people we can help, and I truly believe there's so many women who need to hear these words, because so many women are feeling stuck. Also, if you're looking for me, you can usually find me on the ground at author Cat Adams, and be sure to head over to my website, and that's catadams adamswithadoubled'scom. Subscribe to my newsletter for the latest information. Also, when you subscribe, you're gonna get a free novella. And just be forewarned, my Oronti romcom is as dirty as my mouth. So if that's your thing, go for it. It's super hilarious. But thank you again for tuning in. Until next time, please stay safe and I'll see you on the other side, nctzeniel.