Understanding His Toxic Behavior: Part 5

Today we're discussing my favorite part of Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does He Do That?  Let's dive into the many different types of abusers and learn their red flags. Do you have a Mr. Right in your life, a terrorist, or maybe even a player? If you have a toxic man, tune in to learn his ins and outs, and better yet--how to GTFO!

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Transcript

Types of Abusive Men; Moving Forward

Speaker 1 0:00

It's time to wake up witches. I'm your host, cat Adams, and I'm here to remind you that, no matter where you're at in life, you're not stuck. You Welcome back to the show. And, oh my gosh, do I have a story for you today, and it kind of relates to today's topic, which is we're still going through the book by Lundy Bancroft. Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. And today we're going to talk about the different types of abusers. But first let me tell you what happened to me.

Speaker 1 0:50

So I think in one of my podcasts and even in my book, I talk about something that happened to me when I was married and someone kind of came over here and and that God, I don't even like talking about it Someone came over and there was a bunch of lies being told and I thought this person was just like a co-worker, but it was not. And then that person had apparently like Extorted my axe Is that the right word, I don't know like blackmailed and stuff. I don't know. Dude's a psychopath. And then he called me on my birthday and he told me all this stuff about my ex. Thankfully I was already divorced by them, but he didn't think so. Anyways, two abusive men Using me as a pawn in their little game, and I didn't even know this other person, but apparently they knew a lot about me and it creeped me out for them to even show up at my doorstep. That was years ago when I was still married.

Speaker 1 2:01

So I have this happy place and it's kind of like you have. You know, you see these Shows and people always go to like their coffee house, like friends, or cheers the bar. Well, I have a Mexican place and it is like my comfort place. If you've been, if you follow my Instagram, even my TikTok, I think I post this Mexican place all the time because it's just like one of those places where, I Don't know, I just find comfort for some reason, and I used to not even like Mexican food. But a couple years ago I don't know what happened to me I turned into a basic bitch and I'm like oh, how do you Mexican food? And so I found this place and I go there anytime, like I have just had a rough work week or Whatever, and I'm like I want my chips and salsa and margarita and I want to hear a happy Mexican music and it just works.

Speaker 1 2:54

So I was going there the week before last Friday because we've been doing it like on Fridays, it's been our little thing and Someone came up to me and they were like you don't remember me, do you? And like first of all, they cut me in line and I'm like no, and called off guard and my husband wasn't there yet because I went in first to get a seat. Anyways, long story short, it was the person that years ago Came to my house and he came to my house in a hostile manner and I don't want to go too far into it because, honestly, I Don't know like he seemed a very angry to see me because I brought bad memories to him and what his wife was doing with my ex-husband. So anyways, uh, apparently I've heard through the grapevine, this guy is very, very, very, very dangerous and he Is not someone that I won't in my life. So I was shook. I was like, oh my god, I know I didn't remember this person, but I do now and Now I don't want to go eat Mexican here again and I left because I Think his wife was going to come in. He was getting a table for eight. After he kept me in line, he's like hey, can I get a table for eight and I only assumed his wife was gonna be there and I've never seen this woman. So this woman had an affair with my ex-husband. I did not find out later until later I have to write a divorce and I've never seen her.

Speaker 1 4:35

I have no idea what she looks like. I Don't care at this point and I didn't want to be in my happy place, like around these people, you know, like crazy guy and the woman who was Pathetic enough to screw my ex. Anyways, drama, drama, drama. It was just you know how, like, if you're very in tune with your energy, you can pick up on other people's energy. And I soaked that shut up. I think, like what's the word for it? Empathic, I don't know. Yeah, I just felt bad energy. I felt really bad energy.

Speaker 1 5:16

So soon as my husband came in, I was like we're going anyways. I say all that because it's pretty shitty that now I have to be like oh my god, if I want to go to my favorite happy place, am I gonna run into these people and I don't even know who she is or what she looks like. So she could be sitting next to me. I'm sure she knows all about me. You know, I know how that affair stuff works. I'm sure she's looked me up, yada, yada, yada. Don't know her name, don't know anything. I just I was upset that I've been divorced First for so long now and yet this asshole motherfucker X of mine still affects me in these ways. Like God damn, I'm so upset about it, like I still can't get away from this mofo. My daughter's about to be 13, so I've got five more years of having to share her. But we'll see. We'll see, because I wanna get out of here. You know I talk about it all the time. I just wanna move and we're looking at Bellingham, washington.

Speaker 1 6:23

So if you've ever been, please reach out to me. You can usually catch me on Instagram like send me a DM, just slide right in there, tell me about Washington, what you like about it. I don't know. It's hopes and dreams, right, but we've got some roblox. Obviously we have to get over before we can make that big decision.

Speaker 1 6:45

But it would be great if I could be in a place where hostile men left me the fuck alone. That would be wonderful. But does that exist as women? No, that's the whole point of my podcast. Like fuck men. I hope you don't get discouraged from leaving your shitty partner because of these stories about how, like, does it ever go away.

Speaker 1 7:09

Because, like I even told my ex about that, what happened? Because I was bitching at him, I was like, oh you fucker, like your shit still affecting me. Like, thank God my daughter wasn't with me because I just don't feel safe around this person. I can tell they're very unsafe. And he said something like, yeah, well, if his wife was there she'd probably feel bad for you because you know her husband's psychopath. And, like I don't know, I don't wanna get into it because, honestly, this guy knows a lot about me. And what if he heard my podcast and came track me down? Like, seriously, I don't wanna say too much, but my ex is so stupid he's like still thinks he has no idea who I am. And I'm like, if anybody feels sorry for anybody, feel sorry for her because, one, she screwed your dumb ass and, two, she's still in her situation, maybe she needs to listen to my podcast. Yeah, no, I'm thriving bitches. I ain't in my situation anymore.

Speaker 1 8:31

I got me a hot man. Ooh y'all. He's always worked out, but he's like stepping it up because we got a beach trip coming up and his muscles, mm, oh, my gosh, they're like as big as my head and I like that, I like it, I like it and I like being in his arms because I feel safe. So that was a long story, but it leads us into this types of abusive men. And also, by the way, not only if you've been to Washington and you've got stuff you can tell me some tips and tricks for that area. Or it's all around Vancouver Island, I think. It's like northwest. Yeah. So Sedona, I'm going there too. So not to live, ho, no, but to experience their like you know, hiking and stuff.

Speaker 1 9:25

And I heard they have shaman and vortex sites and I'm gonna go get my vortex energy on, I'm gonna go charge my crystals, I'm gonna get into my wu wu juju and I'm gonna go meditate in the desert and I want this. Like you can hire a shaman, it's like beat a drum over your head and you get into, like the zone. I need that, I need that. So, yeah, lots of stuff going on which you know as well as get down on my podcast last week Apologies for that, I was gonna try not to even mention it, but that's not fair. So let's get on with the show Thanks for listening to that long story. It's been. I wish I could tell you more in detail, but honestly I just don't feel safe doing it because yeah, oh well, not a part of my life anymore. Hopefully won't ever be running into that again. Do not think it was fair that I was approached in that manner. But yeah, if you're out there and you're listening, like leave me the fuck on, all right.

Speaker 1 10:32

So the types of abusive men, the qualities that make up an abusive man, are like the ingredients in a recipe the basics are always present, but the relative amounts vary greatly. One man may be so severely controlling that his partner can't make a move without checking with him first, and yet, oddly, he contributes substantially to the domestic work in childcare. Another man may allow his partner to come and go as she pleases, even accepting her friendships with men, but there is hell to pay if she fails to wait on him hand and foot or if she makes the mistake of asking him to clean up after himself. Still, other abusers are less overtly controlling and entitled than either of these men, but mind-twisting in the severity of their manipulations. And this is a great chapter, especially if you're feeling like. Well, he's not that bad. You know he doesn't hit me. You know he doesn't have to hit you to be abusive. Like there's so many different types of them, he goes on to say.

Speaker 1 11:23

The tactics and attitudes of abusers can vary from country to country, from ethnic group to ethnic group, from a rich man to a poor man. Abusers from each culture have their special areas of control or cruelty. Middle-class white abusers, for example, tend to have strict rules about how a woman is allowed to argue. Ooh, been there, done that. If she talks back to him, shows anger or doesn't shut up when she is told to, he is likely to make her pay Mm-hmm. My clients from Latin American cultures typically permit their partners to be more forceful and malty in a conflict than my white clients, but they can be highly retaliatory if their partners give any attention to another. Male Abusers select the pieces of turf they wish to stake out, influencing those choices by their particular culture and background.

Speaker 1 12:07

Each woman who is involved in an abusive or controlling man has to deal with this unique blend of tactics and attitudes, his particular rhythm of good times and bad times and his specific way of presenting himself to the outside world. No one should ever tell an abused woman. I know just what you're going through, because the experience of each woman is different. Viewed from another angle, however, abuse doesn't vary that much. One man uses a little more of one ingredient and a little less of the other, but the overall flavor of the mistreatment has core similarities Assaults on the woman's self-esteem, controlling behavior, undermining her independence, disrespect. Each abused woman has times of feeling that a riptide is dragging her under the sea and she struggles for air. Confusion has been part of the experience of almost every one of the hundreds of abused women I've spoken with. Whether because of the abusers' manipulativeness, his popularity or simply the mind-bending contrast between his professions of love and his vicious psychological or physical assault, every abused woman finds herself fighting to make sense out of what is happening.

Speaker 1 13:04

He goes on to say the sections below describe each style of man while he is being abusive. I don't mean that he's like that all the time. In fact, men from any of the categories can turn kind and loving at any moment and stay in that mode for days, weeks or even months. So the first one we're gonna talk about is the demand man. The demand man is highly entitled. He expects his partner's life to revolve around meeting his needs and is angry and blaming if anything gets in the way. He becomes enraged if he isn't catered to or if he is inconvenienced in even a minor way, the partner of this man comes to feel that nothing she does is ever good enough and that is impossible to make him happy. He criticizes her frequently, usually about things that he thinks she should have done or done better for him. And here's some little bullet points to look out for for the demand man.

Speaker 1 13:58

He has little sense of give and take. His demands for emotional support, favors, caretaking or sexual attention are well out of proportion to his contributions. He constantly feels like you owe him things that you owe him things that he has done nothing to earn. He exaggerates and overvalues his own cont contributions. If he was generous one day back in 1997, you're probably still hearing about it today as proof of how wonderfully he treats you and how ungrateful you are. He seems to keep a mental list of any favors or kindness he ever does and expects each one paid back at a heavy interest rate. He thinks you owe him tremendous gratitude for meeting the ordinary responsibilities of daily life when he does, but takes your contributions for granted when he doesn't get. What he feels like is due. He punishes you for letting him down.

Speaker 1 14:43

When he is generous or supportive, it's because he feels like it. When he isn't in the mood to give anything, he doesn't. He is positive or loving toward you when he feels the need to prove to himself or to others that he's a good person, or when there is something that he is about to demand in return. In other words, it's about him, not you. The longer you've been with him, the more his generous seeming actions appear self-serving. If your needs ever conflict with his, he's furious. At these times he attacks you as self-centered or inflexible, turning reality on its head with statements such as all you care about is yourself. He tends to work hard to convince outsiders of how selfish and ungrateful you are, speaking in a hurt voice about all the things he does for you. At the same time, the demand man is likely to be furious if anything is demanded of him. Not only are you not supposed to demand any favors, you aren't even supposed to ask him to take care of his own obligations.

Speaker 1 15:35

The demand man is sometimes less controlling than other abusers. As long as he is getting his needs met on his terms, he may allow you to have your own friendships or support you in pursuing your own career, but the effects on you and your partner's extreme entitlement on you, of your partner's extreme entitlement, can be just as destructive as severe control. The central attitudes of the demand man are it's your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities. If I drop the ball on him, if I'm unhappy about any aspect of my life, whether it has to do with your relationship or not, it's your fault. You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give. I am above criticism. I'm a very loving and giving partner. You're lucky to have me Been there. Done that? Do you have the demand man? And, honestly, like I look at this stuff and I'm like, well, I don't know, my ex was kind of a mixture of all of these, but the whole thing about nothing ever being good enough yes, been there, done that.

Speaker 1 16:37

Moving on to Mr Right, here is another type of abuser. Mr Right considers himself the ultimate authority on every subject under the sun. You might call him Mr Always Right. He speaks with absolute certainty, brushing your opinions aside like annoying gnats. He seems to see the world as a huge classroom in which he is a teacher and you are his student. He finds little value in your thoughts or insights, so he seeks to empty out your head and fill it with his jewels of brilliance. When Mr Right sits in one of my groups for abusive men, he often speaks of his partner as if she were in danger from her own idiocy Idiocy how do you say that word being an idiot and he needs to save her from herself.

Speaker 1 17:18

Mr Right has difficulty speaking to his partner, or about her, without a ring of condens conden. Yo, what's wrong with me today? Condescension, conden. You know what I'm saying In his voice. And in a conflict, his arrogance gets even worse. Oh my gosh, you know what I'm talking about. The guy that's like oh, I'm so much more smarter than you, I'm so much more whatever, like you're a stupid idiot and I'm not been there, done that.

Speaker 1 17:48

So many of these men I have got my contact with, unfortunately, besides knowing all about the world, mr Right is also an expert on your life and how you should live it. He has the answers to your conflicts at work, how you spend your time and how you should raise your children. He's especially knowledgeable about your faults and he likes to inventory what's wrong with you, as if tearing you down were the way to improve you. He may seem to enjoy periodically straightening you out in front of others to humiliate you, thereby establishing his unquestionable intellectual superiority. When Mr Right's partner refuses to defer in his sophisticated knowledge, he is likely to escalate to insulting her, calling her names or mocking her with imitation. If he's still not satisfied that he has brought her down low enough, he may reach for bigger guns, such as ruining evening plans, leaving places without her or saying bad things about her to other people. If he is physically assaulted, then this is a time he may throw things, raise fists or attack violently. In short, mr Right finds some way to ensure that his partner regrets his her insistence on having her own mind In.

Speaker 1 18:49

The central attitudes driving Mr Right are you should be in all of my intelligence and should look up to me. Intellectually, I know better than you do even about what's good for you. Your opinions aren't worth listening to carefully or taking seriously. The fact that you sometimes disagree with me shows how sloppy your thinking is. If you would just accept that I know what's right or, our relationship would be much better. Your own life would go better too. You know I could be doing that funny voice again. I don't know, do you like the funny voice? It always comes out very redneck. When you disagree with me about something, no matter how respectful you're amicably, that's mistreatment of me. If I put you down for long enough someday you'll see that is Mr Right. If any of this is ringing a bell and you're like, oh my god, this is, this sounds like I don't know, my ex or my husband now, or my old boyfriend or my dad, oh my gosh, you might have an abuser in your life.

Speaker 1 19:47

Moving on to what they call the water torture, the water torture style proves that anger doesn't cause abuse. He can assault his partner psychologically without even raising his voice. He tends to stay calm in arguments, using his own evenness as a weapon to push her over the edge. He often has a superior or contemptuous grin on his face, smug and self-assured. He uses a repertoire of aggressive conversational tactics at low volume, including sarcasm, derision, such as openly laughing at her, mimicking her voice and cruel, cutting remarks. The impact on a woman of all these subtle tactics is that either her blood temperature rises to a boil or she feels stupid and inferior, or some combination of the two. In an argument she may end up yelling in frustration, leaving the room crying or sinking into silence. The water torture then says see, you're the abusive one, not me. You're the one who's yelling and refusing to talk out things rationally. I wasn't even raising my voice. It's impossible to reason with you. The psychological effects of living with a water torture can be severe. His tactics can be difficult to identify, so they sink in deeply.

Speaker 1 20:55

Women can find it difficult not to blame themselves for their reactions to what their partner does if they don't even know what to call it. When someone slaps you in the face, you know you've been slapped, but when a woman feels psychologically assaulted, with little idea why, after an argument with a water torture, she may turn her frustration inward. How do you seek support from a friend, for example, when you don't know how to describe what's going wrong? The water torture tends to genuinely believe that there's nothing unusual about his behavior. When his partner starts to confront him with his abusiveness, which she usually does sooner or later, he looks at her as if she were crazy and says what the hell are you talking about? I've never done anything to you. Friends and relatives who have witnessed the couple's interactions may back him up. They shake their heads and say to each other I don't know what goes on with her. She just explodes at him sometimes and he's so low-key their children can develop the impression that mom blows up over nothing. She herself may start to wonder if there is something psychologically wrong with her.

Speaker 1 21:50

If you're involved with a water torture, you may struggle for years trying to figure out what's happening. You may feel that you overreact his behavior and that he isn't really that bad, but the effects of his control and content have crept up on you over the years. If you finally leave him, you may experience intense periods of delayed rage as you become conscious of how quietly but deathly oppressive he was. Central attitudes driving the water torture are you are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing. I can easily convince other people that you're the one who's messed up. As long as I'm calm, you can't call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel, and I know exactly how to get under your skin. Been there, done that too. My ex was very, very much like that, turning stuff around on me, and he still does. All right, moving on to the drill sergeant, and just a heads up. This is getting kind of long, but you know what. It makes up for me skipping out on y'all last week. All right, the drill sergeant.

Speaker 1 22:50

The drill sergeant takes controlling behavior to its extreme, running his partner's life in every way that he can. He criticizes her clothing, telling her whether she can go out or not, interferes with her work. He wants her to have no one else close to her, so he runs a relationship with friends or relatives or simply forbids her to see them. He may listen to her phone calls or read her email or require the children to report on her activities anytime she's away. That just brought up a memory. If she isn't home by his appointed curfew at night, she's at risk for abuse. She feels like a little girl living with a tyrannical father with no more freedom than an eight year old would have. If your partner's a drill sergeant, your situation is a dangerous one.

Speaker 1 23:32

You may have to use some courage, as well as careful vigilance, to even get the opportunity to read this book. Perhaps you're hiding it under a mattress or reading it at someone else's house in quick bits. Don't give up. Many women have gone through this kind of captivity and have found a way to escape, even if it takes some time. I highlighted that in my book because this I've also dealt with. You feel like you have to hide this book? I have, oh my gosh. I have bought this book probably three or four times because I would get rid of it, because I was so scared he would find it. But then I was like years later, oh, I still need this book. Oh, I still need this book, I'll buy it again. Throw it away. Yeah, it's a dangerous one. But remember, he says, don't give up. Many women have gone through this kind of captivity and have found a way to escape, even if it takes some time. I am your living proof because, like I said, my abusers kind of a mix of all of these, but I definitely, definitely, definitely have dealt with this.

Speaker 1 24:41

He says the drill sergeant is, unfortunately, almost sure to be physically violent sooner or later, probably beginning with threats and then eventually escalating to assault. If his partner stands up to him, such as by attempting to preserve any of her rights to freedom, his violence and threats are likely to escalate until she is hurt or terrified enough that she submits to his control. He is a risk. He is a risk to beat his partner up to the point of severe injury. And again, I'm not reading all of this stuff. I'm not going to read like, every little thing about these abusers, I'm just reading what I highlighted.

Speaker 1 25:14

If you want to go into more detail, pick up the book. And if you're too afraid to pick up the book, reach out to me and I can have a one-on-one with you. Here's my manager coming out and we'll talk about these in more detail because I am totally up for that. So the central attitudes driving the drill Sergeant R I need to control your every move or you will do it wrong. I know the exact way that everything should be done. You should have in. You shouldn't have anyone else or anything else in your life besides me. I'm going to watch you like a hawk to keep you from developing strength or independence. I love you more than anyone in the world, but you disgust me. And that is the drill sergeant. Now we're moving on to Mr Sensitive.

Speaker 1 25:58

Mr Sensitive appears to be the diametric opposite of the drill sergeant. He is soft spoken, gentle and supportive when he isn't being abusive. He loves the language of feelings, openly sharing his insecurities, his fears and his emotional injuries. He hugs other men. He may speak out about the absurdity of war or the need for men to get in touch with their feminine side. Perhaps he attends a men's group or goes into men's retreats. He is often participated extensively in therapy or 12 step programs or reads all the big self help books. So he speaks the language of popular psychology and introspection. His vocabulary is sprinkled with jargon like developing closeness, working out our issues and facing up to hard things about myself. He represents himself to women as an ally in the struggle against sex role limitations. To some women he may seem like a dream come true. So what's wrong with this picture? Nothing obvious yet, but this is exactly the problem. Mr Sensitive wraps himself in one of the most persuasive covers a man can have.

Speaker 1 26:53

If you start to feel chronically mistreated by him, you're likely to assume that something's wrong with you. And if you complain about him to other people, they may think you're just spoiled. You have the new age man. What more do you want? They might say this sounds like I know some men who say oh, I'm a feminist, I'm a liberal feminist. So it's like bitch. No, you're not. No, you're not. You're Mr Sensitive. So here's some clues you have, mr Sensitive. You seem to be hurting his feelings constantly, though you aren't sure why, cause he's a bitch and he expects your ex hit. That was not in this book I added my own commentary, so and he expects your attention to be focused endlessly on his emotional injuries.

Speaker 1 27:34

If you're in a bad mood one day and say something unfair or insensitive, it won't be enough for you to give him a sincere apology and accept responsibility. He'll go on and on about it, expecting you to grovel as if you had treated him with profound cruelty. Notice the twist here. This is just what an abuser accuses his partner of doing to him, when all she's really looking for is a heartfelt I'm sorry. When your feelings are hurt, on the other hand, he will insist on brushing over it quickly. He may give you a stream of popular psychology language like just let the feelings go through you. Don't hold on to them so much, man. It's all in the attitude you take to her life. No one can hurt you unless you let them to substitute for genuine support for your feelings, especially if you're upset about something he did. None of these philosophies applies when you accept. When you've upset him, however, and then, with the passing of time, he increasingly casts the blame on you for anything he has to satisfy with in his own life. You are the burden of guilt that keeps him from growing. He starts to exhibit a mean side that no one else ever sees and may become even threatening or intimidating.

Speaker 1 28:42

Mr Sensitive has the potential to turn physically frightening, as any style of abuser can, no matter how much he may preach non-violence. After an aggressive incident, he will speak of his actions as anger rather than as abuse, as though there were no difference between the two. He blames his assaults of behavior on you or his emotional issues, saying that his feelings were so deeply wounded that he had no other choice. In the central attitudes driving Mr Sensitive are I'm against the macho men, so I couldn't be abusive. As long as I use a lot of psycho babble, no one is going to believe that I'm mistreating you. I can control you by analyzing how your mind and emotions work and what your issues are from childhood. I can get inside your head, whether you want me there or not. Nothing in the world is more important than my feelings, and women should be grateful to me for not being like those other men. Ugh, nice guys, right. Have you ever been on Reddit and saw like the nice guys subreddit oh, barf, whatever man. Ugh, I'm so sick of them. Moving on to the player, now this one's like. I mean you should already have a picture of this dude in your mind. I'm sure if I thought hard enough, I could come up with like celebrities or someone we all know that fits these descriptions. But the player come on, this one you're going to you already know about.

Speaker 1 30:02

The player is usually good looking and often sexy, but sometimes he just thinks he is In the early part of a relationship. He seems head over heels in love and wants to spend as much time as possible in bed together. He's a pretty good lover. You may feel lucky that you have caught someone who knows how to turn you on and feel proud to be seen with him. Your self opinion gets a nice boost After a while, though. If you things start to bother you, you notice that, apart from his sex, interest in you is waning and even his sexual energy is dropping off a little. Oh, he's getting a little soft. He seems to lock his eyes pretty hard onto other women that walk by. He flirts with waitresses, clerks or even friends of yours. Sexual undertone seemed to run through most of his interactions with females, except for once, he finds completely unattractive. My ex said that he'd flirt with a woman right in front of me. It was disgusting.

Speaker 1 30:50

He knows how to make each woman feel that she's special. She's a special one and yet at the same time keep her off balance so that she never feels quite sure of where she stands with him. He tells each one that the others are lying about their involvements with him because they are jealous of her, or because he turned them down, or because he used to be involved with them but isn't anymore. He tells each one stories about how other women have mistreated him or shares other bits of information largely invented to make previous or current women in his life sound conniving, vindictive or addicted to substances. He breaks up with women and gets back together with them so that no one can keep track of what's going on, and he includes one or two women in his circle who he feels aren't attractive because he knows that he can have more power over them, and manipulates them into hating the women who are seen as more attractive.

Speaker 1 31:34

Chronic infidelity is abusive in itself. Let me repeat that slower Chronic infidelity is abusive in itself. I know a lot of y'all are out there going through this and I went through it too. But the player doesn't stop there. He is irresponsible, callous in dealing with his partner's feelings and periodically verbally abusive. As the relationship progresses, he may start to go for long periods given his partner next to no attention and barely speaking to her, so she feels shelved. He probably refuses to take responsibility for safe sex, such as using condoms, and he may have fathered children who he's not supporting. His abusiveness can escalate abruptly if he is confronted or caught in his infidelities and he may turn physically frightening. At this point, in a strange but dangerous twist, the player sometimes hits his partner for catching him cheating, rather than the reverse. In just FYI, I think I've been calling this author the wrong name and I don't know why, because I'm trying to remember if I knew someone by the name of been calling this guy and now I feel like a total fucking idiot. Oh my God. So Lundy says, and that's his real name.

Speaker 1 32:44

The players I have worked with sometimes claim to suffer from sex addiction and joined sex and love addicts anonymous, which they may discover is a good place to pick up women. But sex addiction doesn't cause dishonesty, verbal abusiveness or intimidating behavior. The player is not a sex addict at all. If he is addicted to anything, it's to the thrill of using women without regard for their effect with his, without regard of the for the effects on them. Goodness, the central attitudes driving the player are women were put on this earth to have sex with men, especially me. Women who want sex are too loose and women who refuse sex are too uptight. It's not my fault that women find me irresistible. If you act like you need anything for me, I'm going to ignore you. I'm in this relationship when it's convenient for me and when I feel like it. Women who want the non-sexual aspects of themselves appreciated our bitches. Oh my God, if you can meet my sexual needs, I wouldn't have to turn to other women. Wow, this guy's a total douchebag. All right, so that's the player for you. I bet you have run into many of those in your life, because I know I sure have. And then we're going to go down to Rambo, and I think we only have one, two, three, four All right, Four left Rambo.

Speaker 1 34:03

Rambo is aggressive with everybody, not just his partner. He gets a thrill out of the sensation of intimidating people and strives to handle all life situations by subtly or overtly creating fear. He has an exaggerated stereotypical view of what a man is supposed to be, which goes hand in hand with seeing women as delicate and furior and in need of protection. Rambo often comes from a home or neighborhood where he was the target of violence himself and learned that the only way to feel safe is to be stronger, tougher and less caring than everybody else. He has little patience for weakness, fragility or indecision. Often he has a criminal record for violence, theft, drunk driving or drug dealing.

Speaker 1 34:41

Early in a relationship, rambo is likely to be loving and kind as partner, like most abusers. Because he lacks fear, or pretends to, he can make a woman feel safe and protected. This style of abuser can therefore be particularly appealing to women who come from a violent home herself or to one who is in the process of leaving another abusive relationship. Rambo can make you feel as though his aggressiveness would never be directed towards you. Because he loves you, he wishes to look after your safety as if you were his daughter. He enjoys the role of protector, feeling like a gallant knight. However, he lacks respect for women, and this disrespect, combined with his general violent tendencies, means that is only a matter of time before he will be the one you need protection from. Sometimes Rambo is a psychopath or sociopath, which can make him all the more emotionally abusive and in some cases, physically abusive as well. And then he says later we're going to talk about psych-mass. So central attitudes driving Rambo are strength and aggressiveness are good, compassion and conflict resolution are bad.

Speaker 1 35:42

Anything that could be even remotely associated with homosexuality, including walking away from possible violence or showing any fear of grief, has to be avoided at any cost. Femininist and femininity, which he associates with homosexuality, are inferior. Women are here to serve men and be protected by them. Oh, this sounds rednecky. Men should never hit women because it's unmanly to do so. However, exceptions to this rule can be made for my own partner. Her behavior is bad enough. Men need to keep their women in line. You are a thing that belongs to me akin to a trophy, and the next abusive person is the victim. Life has been hard and unfair for the victim To hear him tell it. His intelligence has been chronically underestimated, he's been burned by people he trusted and his good intentions have been misunderstood. The victim appeals to women's compassion and desire to feel that she can make a difference in his life. Bitch, he's not trying to fix everybody.

Speaker 1 36:42

He often tells persuasive and heart-rendering stories about how he was abused by his former partner, sometimes adding the tragic element that she is now restricting or preventing his contact with his children. He maneuvers the woman into hating his ex-partner and may succeed in enlisting her in a campaign of harassment, rumors spreading or battling for custody. If you listen carefully, you can often hear the difference between anger toward an ex-partner, which would not be worrisome in itself, and disrespect or content, which should raise warning flags. A man who has left a relationship with bitterness should nonetheless be able to talk about his ex-partner as a human being, with some understanding of what her side of the conflict was. In some ways, he might have contributed to what went wrong. If he speaks into grading or superior ways about her or makes everything that went wrong in the relationship her fault, be careful, because it is likely that he was the abusive one. Try to get him to talk about his own conduct in the relationship, especially around the time of the breakup. If he blames his own behavior on her, that's a bad time.

Speaker 1 37:38

Be particularly careful with a man who claims to have been the victim of physical violence by a previous female partner. The great majority of men who make such claims are physical abusers. Ooh, I'd love the date on that. I totally believe it, but I'd love a shot at it from the rooftops. The great majority of men who make such claims are physical abusers because you always see on the internet people are like, uh-uh, like she probably did this on purpose, she didn't get raped, she just wants money, she just wants fame. Blah, blah, blah. It's like no, oh my God. It's like believe women, if I can believe women.

Speaker 1 38:11

Ask him for as much detail as you can about the violent incidents and then try to talk to her or seek out anyone else who could give you a different perspective on what happened. Watch for warning signs of abuseness. Pay attention to how he talks and thinks about abused women. A genuine male victim tends to feel sympathy for abused women and support their cause. The victim, on the other hand, often says that women exaggerate or fabricate their claims of abuse or insist that men are abused just as much as women are.

Speaker 1 38:35

We know that's a lie. Women like whatever, Bunga bullshit, what is it? Not all men, but what about men? No one fucking cares. Well, you know, some people probably care, but on this podcast we don't care because this is for women and actually, if I'm being honest, I'm kind of getting a little bit tired of the series I'm doing right now because I like empowering women and I know this is part of it. But I'm just thinking of talking about men Like I want to talk about like good juju stuff and stuff that you know I'm doing in my life. That's making me feel amazing and I think it can help you too. But I'm trying to get through. This is nothing. Maybe my frustration is coming out my voice. So apologies, I'm going to try to wrap this up and maybe we'll just skip around a little bit and be quicker to end this series. And again, you have the book on Amazon. Go buy it if you want full details. But yeah, all right, sorry for that tangent. Back to the victim.

Speaker 1 39:38

He may adopt the language of abuse victims claiming, for example, that his ex partner was focused on power and control, disrespected him and always had to have her own way. And a few years he will be using similar reality and version language about you, unless, of course, you coutel to him and his satisfaction. I don't even think I've ever seen that word Coutel, k-o-w-t-o-w. All right, that's weird. The victim is highly self centered in relationships, everything seems to revolve around his wounds and he keeps himself at the center of attention. If you have children, he tries to get them to feel sorry for him as well.

Speaker 1 40:16

Often, the victim claims to be victimized, not only by you, but also by his boss, his parents, the neighbors, his friends and strangers on the street. Everyone is always wronging him and he is always blameless. Oh, poor dude, like we give a shit. The central attitudes driving the victim are everybody has done me wrong, especially the women I've been involved with. Poor me. I know a victim Y'all. It's annoying. When you accuse me of being abusive, you're joining the parade of people who've been cruel and unfair to me. It proves you're just like the rest. It's justifiable for me to do whatever I feel like you're doing to me, and even to make it quite a bit worse, to make sure you get the message. Women who complain or mistreat men, such as relationship abuse or sexual harassment or anti-male and out for blood. Yes, yes, we are. I've had it so hard that I'm not responsible for my actions. All right, another douchebag to add to our count. How many have we been through? I don't know a lot, but we're moving on to another one that is quite terrifying that I have.

Speaker 1 41:19

I work in this niche, like my full-time career is in domestic violence and trafficking. I have come across all of these and the stories I hear. Some might be hard to believe, like this I'm about to talk about when they call this terrorist, but I guarantee you these people are out there because I have seen it and it's terrifying. So next time you want to judge somebody or somebody's situation, you never truly know what they're going through. I can't talk about work specifically because of ethics, but I will say like, don't be quick to judge because there's some really bad people out there, really bad people. All abusers are bad. But let me tell you about the terrorist.

Speaker 1 42:15

I worked for a few months with an abused woman named Gloria and this isn't me y'all, so I don't get in trouble with work. I'm reading from Lundy's book, all right, and he says he worked with Gloria who was wondering how much longer she would be alive. Her husband, gerald, would glare at her From his fingers methodically on the table and say you have six months left. Things better shape up around here six months. Her head would swim and her heart would race with fear and she would plead with him to tell what exactly he planned to do to her at the end of that period, and he would answer with, maybe, just a hint of a cold smile Just wait and see. Just wait and see. Six months, gloria. Gerald had never laid a hand on Gloria in the five years they had been together, but she was terrified. She started working with me on making an escape plan to run away with her two-year-old son.

Speaker 1 43:05

The terrorist tends to be both highly controlling and extremely demanding. His worst aspect, however, is that he frequently reminds his partner that he could physically rip her to pieces or even kill her. He doesn't necessarily beat her, however. Some abusers know how to terrorize their partners with threats, strange belled statements and bizarre behavior. One of my violent clients cut an article out of the newspaper about a woman who had been murdered by her husband and he taped it up on the refrigerator. Another man responded to his partner's announcement that she was leaving him by spilling the blood of an animal in front of the house. Another client would take out his gun when he was angry at his partner, but insists that he was just going to clean it and that had nothing to do with her.

Speaker 1 43:44

Unlike most other abusers, the terrorists often seem to be sadistic. He gets enjoyment out of causing pain and fear and seems to find cruelty thrilling. He is likely to have been severely abused as a child, which generally is not true of other abusers. However, you cannot help him to heal, so stop that Again. Stop trying to fix people. Fix yourself and your situation. This may be difficult to accept, since the hope of helping him overcome his problems may be what gets you through the terror of living with him. The terrorist problems are much too deep for a partner to solve and, as they involve a complex weave of serious psychological problems with the typical destructive nature of an abuser, you need to focus and sit on getting yourself safe.

Speaker 1 44:28

Central attitudes driving the terrorists are you have no right to defy me or leave me. Your life is in my hands. Women are evil and have to be kept terrorized to prevent that evil from coming forth. That sounds like a sociopath. I'd rather die than accept your right to independence. The children are one of the best tools I can use to make you fearful, and seeing you terrified is exciting and satisfying. Ladies, if you're in this situation, for the love of God, please fucking get help. There are resources out there. They're listed on this podcast show notes. They're like there in my book. There's a quick Google search Turn your Wi-Fi off on your phone because they can watch you through that. Turn your Wi-Fi off. Use your cell service and look for local help. Like you can form an escape plan. And then I think this is the last one oh, it is the mentally ill or addicted abuser. So this last category is not actually separate from the others.

Speaker 1 45:25

An abusive man of any of the aforementioned styles can also have psychiatric or substance abuse problems, although the majority do not. Even when mental illness or addiction is a factor, it is not the cause of a man's abuse of his partner, but it can contribute to the severity of his problem and his resistance to change. When these additional problems are present, it is important to be aware of the following points. Oh my gosh, this is a lot. I'm not going to read all that. It's basically like. Certain mental illnesses can increase the chance that an abuser will be dangerous and use physical violence. Yada, yada, yada and abusers. Reactions to going on or off medication are unpredictable. To sum it up, it says the following attitudes tend to be present If you have an abuser who is claiming you know addictions and mental issues or whatever is causing his whatever.

Speaker 1 46:21

I'm not responsible for my actions because of my psychological or substance problems. So that he thinks that already, if you challenge me about my abusiveness, you're being mean to me, considering that these other problems I have. It also shows that you don't understand my other problems. I'm not abusive, I'm just blank and alcoholic, a drug addict, immunic, depressive, yada, yada, yada. And I can have this too for my ex. He's like I'm just special, I've got something wrong with me. Yeah, got something wrong with you. You're just an entire asshole. But no, he thought it was deeper than that. If you challenge me, it will trigger my addiction or mental illness and you'll be responsible for what I do. Again, like, I hope this doesn't sound familiar to you, but then if it does, I hope you're getting something out of this. And you're like I hope your gears are turning and everything's clicking. And you're like, oh, my gosh, you know I thought I was unhappy all this time in my marriage and I'm like, oh well, he's not abusive because he's not giving me a black eye. But then you're like, oh, but he does all these things, guess what? You're probably in an abusive relationship. So, lundy, I can't believe I've been calling this man the wrong name. Oh my gosh.

Speaker 1 47:32

Lundy sums up this chapter with key points to remember. It says tremendous variation exists among abusive styles. Your abusive partner may be a type I haven't encountered yet, but that doesn't make him any less real. Many men are mixtures of different aspects. Like I said, max was a mixture of a lot of these. An abuser may change so much from day to day that he couldn't belong to any type. This style of abuser is so unpredictable that his partner can never make sense of what she is living with, and I know we've talked about this before. It's like the fog, right. You're in this fog and you're confused. You don't even know what way is up and down, and that is by design. And lastly, an abuser of any type can have days when he turns loving, attentive and thoughtful. At these times you may feel that his problems have finally gone away, that the relationship will return to its rosy beginning. However, abuse always comes back eventually, unless the abuser has dealt with his abusiveness, and that's the truth.

Speaker 1 48:27

I mean, I had times in my first marriage, you know, with Dushkhanu where I thought he was really changed. The longest he went, I think was like two weeks, because I remember those two weeks he was so nice to me and I remember we went to like this park and we were doing some stargazing stuff and he was just he let me drive his car. And I know that sounds absurd, but he never let me drive his car. I wasn't even allowed to like get in his car. He'd lock it. Obviously he was hiding stuff from me, but you know he had convinced me otherwise. He just whatever, he was letting me drive his car and like just so nice to me for like two weeks and I don't know why. I still don't know why he was so nice. He was like a different person. But then it all goes back to normal. It all goes back to normal. Actually. No, two weeks wasn't the longest.

Speaker 1 49:18

He went a couple months before I had our daughter. He was nice and then, like what was it? Two or three days after I got back from the hospital after having her, because in America they make you go to the pediatrician like that week after you've given birth and you can't even walk because you got stitches in your hoo-ha. They were making us drive all the way out there and I was trying to get my baby, my tiny baby together and myself and I was waddling and I was in pain and I remember we were on the front porch and he said something like we were going to be late and he called me a motherfucker, like hurry up, motherfucker, or something, and I just I broke down and I was crying. I was crying in the pediatrician's office because he was nicer before then, and then I was like, oh, here we are, back to what he used to be and I thought that would change.

Speaker 1 50:21

And adding a baby in the mixture was not the smartest thing to do. But he called me a motherfucker in front of the neighbors. The neighbors were out and they heard and I was so humiliated and I'm saying all that to let you know how authentic I am I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass and I want you to be able to. I hope you don't relate to me, but I hope, if you are in these situations, you can find something relatable and then you can use my experiences and what I've been through and where I'm at now to get the fuck out, because if he's being a sweetheart one day, if he has any of these signs we've been talking about in this whole podcast series. He's not going to be a sweetheart forever. It does not last. That's why abuse is a cycle.

Speaker 1 51:05

So get out now. Make your plans now. Make sure you're safe, but get out because I can promise you life is so much better on the other side Y'all I'm going to the beach, I'm going to Sedona, I'm going to do some shaman experiences, I'm going to ride a train and eat charcuterie and drink wine with my sexy ass oh my gosh Bang and body, husband. Like. Life is amazing, but it's what you make of it.

Speaker 1 51:36

So don't let yourself fall in a rut and get stuck. Don't give yourself excuses. There's resources out there to help you. It can't be done. Yes, it's difficult, yes, it sucks, and if you're going to have to go through a divorce, especially with kids, it is going to be horrible, horrible, probably the worst time of your life. But guess what? It's only up from there. It is only up from there.

Speaker 1 51:57

Take it from me, like if you would have told the me back then who was in that abusive relationship, this would be the me today. I would have just laughed and thought you're lying. But I have been able to accomplish so much since getting out of that horrible, toxic relationship and I'm so proud of myself for doing that. And if you're listening to this podcast and you can relate, I'm also proud of you for sticking around and making those plans to join me on the other side, because you are a strong, bad ass woman and you deserve so much better. Thank you so much for listening.

Speaker 1 52:39

If you love the show, please leave a rating, a review, and if you know anyone who also might love the show or who could benefit from this information, please be sure to share it and subscribe. The more we get this out to people, the more people we can help, and I truly believe there's so many women who need to hear these words, because so many women are filling stock. Also, if you're looking for me, you can usually find me on the ground at author Cat Adams, and be sure to head over to my website, and that's catadamsadamswithadoubledscom. Subscribe to my newsletter for the latest information. Also, when you subscribe, you're going to get free novella. And just be forewarned, my Oronti romcom is as dirty as my mouth. So if that's your thing, go for it. It's super hilarious. But thank you again for tuning in. Until next time. Please stay safe and I'll see you on the other side.